At the age of 25, I found myself alone in my apartment, crying out to a God I really didn't know. I was in the middle of a divorce with my husband of almost 4 years. I didn't have a whole lot of friends as my ex was very controlling. I didn't see my family much as he distanced us from them right after we got married. I had just gone to my best friends house for a Bible Study when she met me at the door and said,"What are you doing here? This is a singles Bible Study. You are not single. I know you are not married and you are not divorced... I am not sure what you are but it is not single."
As pain shot through my heart, anger arose in me and I ran out to my car yelling obscene words. As I got into my car I cried even harder and laid on the horn yelling even more obscene words at the top of my lungs. An overwhelming feeling of despair came over me as thoughts of suicide flooded my mind.
I knew suicide was wrong and my mom taught me that we wouldn't get to go to heaven if we ever did it. (I am not sure that is true now but we will leave that up for discussion some other time.) My ex and I had been going to a "Christian" counselor in hopes of working things out. I continued to meet with her after the separation so I gave her a call when I got back to my apartment and made an appointment for that same evening.
I laid in the table-less dining room floor looking up to the ceiling fan and I pleaded, "Lord, I just don't want to live anymore. If I thought I would go to heaven I would just end it all now. I don't want to live anymore. I don't know how to live like the Bible says. I don't know how to live without sinning. Please, Lord, do something with this life that I have so messed up."
I believed then that the worst sin in the world was divorce. I weighed it more than any other sin. Never mind the drinking, the drugs, or the extramarital sex. To me, divorce was wrong and the biggest sin of all! I felt like I was a complete failure! I did not understand that all sin separates us from God. (Isaiah 59:2)
As pain shot through my heart, anger arose in me and I ran out to my car yelling obscene words. As I got into my car I cried even harder and laid on the horn yelling even more obscene words at the top of my lungs. An overwhelming feeling of despair came over me as thoughts of suicide flooded my mind.
I knew suicide was wrong and my mom taught me that we wouldn't get to go to heaven if we ever did it. (I am not sure that is true now but we will leave that up for discussion some other time.) My ex and I had been going to a "Christian" counselor in hopes of working things out. I continued to meet with her after the separation so I gave her a call when I got back to my apartment and made an appointment for that same evening.
I laid in the table-less dining room floor looking up to the ceiling fan and I pleaded, "Lord, I just don't want to live anymore. If I thought I would go to heaven I would just end it all now. I don't want to live anymore. I don't know how to live like the Bible says. I don't know how to live without sinning. Please, Lord, do something with this life that I have so messed up."
I believed then that the worst sin in the world was divorce. I weighed it more than any other sin. Never mind the drinking, the drugs, or the extramarital sex. To me, divorce was wrong and the biggest sin of all! I felt like I was a complete failure! I did not understand that all sin separates us from God. (Isaiah 59:2)
Four days later, I went to a college night at the local church. If you know your Bible stories, Lazarus was raised from the dead four days after he died by Jesus. Jesus said, "Lazarus, come forth!"
I had gone by myself with was very unlike me. I am a people person. As the teacher began to speak I heard him say, "Everyone in your life will let you down; your husband or wife, your friends, your children, everyone. The only person who will never let you down is Jesus!" That immediately caught my attention. I don't completely understand it but all of the sudden I could hear the speaker and the Holy Spirit of Jesus at the same time saying,"Wylie, come forth!" It is hard to explain but I felt myself come alive spiritually. If you are wondering, yes, I had received Christ as my savior when I was nine years old which was 14 years earlier.
Then as the man ended his sermon, he said, "Open your Bibles to Isaiah chapter 43. As we read it, put your name wherever it has Jacob or Israel." As I read,
Then as the man ended his sermon, he said, "Open your Bibles to Isaiah chapter 43. As we read it, put your name wherever it has Jacob or Israel." As I read,
"But now this is what the Lord says-
He who created you, O Wylie,
He who formed you, O Wylie:
'Fear not for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are
mine." (NIV)
That was my summoning! Jesus himself had just summoned me by name!!!!
I read on:
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy one of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored
in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you,"
At this point, I was reading and I began to hear the Holy Spirit tell me to go and be a missionary. It was as if I could read between the lines. Skip down to verse 10.
"You are my witnesses." declares the Lord,
'and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.
I, even I, am the Lord,
and apart from me there is no savior.
I have revealed and saved and proclaimed-
I, and not some foreign god among you.
'YOU ARE MY WITNESSES,' declares the Lord,
'that I am God."
Do you know, that I did just that? I went to Argentina and Peru and proclaimed that I was a witness and the God is who he says he is! Totally amazing. There is so much more to this story I will have to blog more later.
